Glee Quotes: Episode 2.01 "Audition"

2.01 Audition Still 08 HQ

Finn: Rachel is what you would call a controllist.
Rachel: I’m controlling, controlling. Controllist isn’t a word.

Rachel: I’m controlling. Performing is my LIFE. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee clubbers?
Finn: Yes.

Will: I try to do something for everybody. 25% show tunes. 25% hip hop. 25% classic rock.
Jacob: 100% GAY.

Jacob to Quinn: How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?

Brittany: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Jacob: What can you say about the rumors that the two of you are dating?
Tina: Because we’re both Asian? That’s racist!
Mike: Totally racist.

Jacob: Did you know there’s a forum on my blog begging you to stop rapping?
Will: Wait, kids don’t like it when I rap?

Kurt [to Jacob]: It doesn’t take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log onto the internet and start tearing people down.

New Directions. No tryouts. Just sign up! Cheerios tryouts. No fatties.

Sue to Santana: Boobs McGee, you're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will keep everyone safe from injury.

Sue to Santana: A person that has to pump her naughties full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader.

Sue: Hey why so glum William? Cat crapped in your coffee?

Sue: One girl ate a pigeon. Several others started worshiping a possum carcass as their Lord. That’s how much they want to be Cheerios.

Sue: Not everyone can be champions. Not everyone should be champions. We need fry cooks. Bus drivers.

Sue: Whoops, it’s time to feed my gimp.

Figgins: You can manage a 6th national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue: Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

Sue to Beiste: First of all, female football coach like a male nurse—sin against nature. Number two. I’m sure you’re used to hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off road vehicles.

Beiste: Do NOT get up in the Panthers’ business lady. You’re all coffee and no omelet.
Sue: That doesn’t make any sense.

Beiste to Will: The Glee club! You came in 3rd last year and you’re asking for more money?! That’s a steer with 6 teats and no oink.

Will: Buttface McBallnuts. Assbraham LinColon. They aren’t even funny!
Sue: Now don’t be rude William. I put a lot of thought into those.

Finn: I would have joined in with a kick ass harmony, but the dude was naked. [Sam singing in the shower]

Rachel: You. Like. Me. Sing. You. Like. Me. Sing. Very. Much.
Sunshine: Um, I totally speak English.

Rachel to Sunshine: Glee. Club. Is. Fun. Swaying. In. Background. Can. Be. Fun.

Sue: I know gals like Beiste. Her high school life must’ve been miserable. She’s oversized. Humorless. Refers to herself in the 3rd person as an animal.

Artie: Tina. She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at Asian Camp.

Tina:You ignored me for weeks this summer.
Artie: I was playing a marathon round Halo, woman.

Tina: Mike tries to be what I’m into. Like his abs.

Puck: Dude your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam: I don’t know. I’ve never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?

Brittany: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn’t touch my boobs. Actually, I really wanted to touch her boobs.

Rachel: Tina. Mike. What if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to Glee will be even more insignificant than they already are now.

Sue: William. Beiste. I wanted to make a peace offering with a batch of warm, homemade cookies.
Beiste: Ugh, those smell like dog poop. Are those dog poop cookies?!

Sue: The two of you are making a very serious mistake today. The likes which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an up skirt photo of Betsy Ross.